My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
