why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize