if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
