I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
