Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
