i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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