WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
