The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
