tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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