I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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