I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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