Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We need to rekindle our bromance
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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