I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
