I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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