someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
