I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
