I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
