2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
