I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
