I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
cat food counts as protein by the way
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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