Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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