I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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