I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
