also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
