Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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