yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
