best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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