My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
