Apparently you make a good broom.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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