They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
