i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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