Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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