So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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