I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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