I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize