Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
How's work?
Spinning.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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