did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
