I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
