I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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