i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize