I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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