y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just want to make out with him forever
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
