glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
