You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
