We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
