I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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