I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
