I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
