You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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