Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
