I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
