And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
