fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
