I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
