Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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