the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
