This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
