It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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