Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
