I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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