apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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