I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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