Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
