The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
