I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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