There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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