I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize